I don’t tell people that I’m an atheist, because “I swear to God” is such a good way to make them believe my lies.

If I had a dollar for every time that I’ve heard a woman tell her friends, “I’m bi-curious,” while staring at me from across the room, I’d have enough money to rush home in a cab and watch cartoons by myself.

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I’m gonna be real for a sec: Michael was unarmed. Michael ran away. Michael was shot dead. Even if it’s true that he initiated the altercation (nah), he tried to end it by fleeing. The cop should’ve let him run off, remained in his car and called for backup. Ferguson is small, and Michael would’ve quickly been ID’d and arrested. And if it’s true that Michael turned around and charged toward someone with a gun (uh), the cop should’ve shot him in the leg, and that would’ve stopped him in his tracks. But Darren Wilson didn’t do any of that. He shot round after round after round, like a madman. I’m talking about a six-year police veteran. Wasn’t he taught to diffuse dangerous situations, instead of aggravating them? What do these people learn at the academy anyway? To protect people, or to profile and leverage their badges over them? Now, regardless of what you believed happened, one thing is clear: Darren Wilson and the Ferguson police have grossly overreacted and abused their power. Cops shouldn’t be above the law, and it’s time that their actions bear consequences. Enough is enough.

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My ex accused me of hacking The New York Times’ website, creating a @nytimes.com email, and offering her a bogus job while posing as a staff member. I don’t even know how to make a .gif, let alone infiltrate the database of our country’s biggest publication. I think that my notoriety as a prankster has gotten out of hand.

I think that I like someone, ‘cause I’m just sitting here thinking of ways that I would save her from a mountain lion.